Writing With Censors

Censorship has always been a big issue for me. I firmly believe that we all have the right, no matter who we are or where we live, to read what we want. And of course this makes me a firm believer that we all have the right to write what we want, without censors of any kind. So what censors are holding me back?

My current focus for getting published is children's literature. I'm a kid at heart...it's easy for me to make up characters and stories in my head and bring them into reality. I've always given voices and lives to stuffed creatures. What i seem to lack is the honest to goodness discipline to get published, but i've discussed that topic before and it's not the focus of this posting.

The point of this posting is that i often feel i'm writing with censors when it comes to some of the writing i post here as well as the non-children's writing i hope to publish one day.

One of the authors i greatly admire for her style of writing is Ali Smith. When i read her books, i'm reading myself. That is the way i want my first adult fiction book to flow. Her books are filled with sentences that would never pass a grammatical exam. "The Accidental" was the first Smith book i read...and i was blown away to find an author that put words down on the page in such a similar way to my own style.

So why have i never progressed deep enough with my own writing to get close to publication? The censoring of words, the censoring of thoughts....these things hold me back.

Sure...i get it...that style of writing...but will any publisher "get it" enough to say sure, let's go with this one. I'm a cynic, a procrastinator, a disparager, a doubter. My fiction is reflected in these characteristics. I'm also a romantic, an anticipator, a dreamer...traits that are also reflected in what i write.

I would love to get to the point where i can write without censors and not worry about anything else but being able to publish what i "get" whether anyone else will ever get close to getting there.

My biggest problem is that when i read back what i might have spent hours writing...it seems too steeped in poetical metaphors...or too honest...or too close to home...to make me think it's any good. I don't need to discover myself at this point in my life. The issue is....though i know who i am, how i think, that i'm stubborn, and eccentric, and think off the grid....i lack the confidence to present that person to the world through my writing.

Reality check: what better way though, to remain hidden behind a wall that lacks confidence, than through the written word?